A lighthearted Christian nightmare about smoking weed and inappropriately clapping in church

I started smoking pot when I was 11 years old. I wasn’t always stoned in church, but inevitably it happened on numerous occasions. The usual Sunday routine for my family was Sunday school in the morning, followed by the main church service. Then we’d come home and eat a huge meatloaf or something, and then afterward—when the rest of family was getting ready to nap or veg-out in front of the TV—I’d beg my mother to let me go outside and play, even though it was “the Lord’s day” and I wasn’t supposed to engage in the type of activities that I did the rest of the week. But luckily, once in awhile, I was able to wear my mother down enough so she’d let me. So then I’d have a few hours to do what I wanted before going back to church for the evening service, which usually meant heading out into the woods to get stoned with my friends.

I remember one Sunday one of my friends had some incredible weed and I got way more stoned than I expected to. Before I knew it, I was driving in the car with my mother back to church—it was such a long ride! At church, the pastor’s daughter (who was pretty cute, I had a crush on her) got up to sing for the congregation. I was completely mesmerized by her performance—because I was stoned, because I had a crush on her, and because her voice was actually really good and her performance seemed pretty heartfelt. When she finished, I started clapping hysterically, which was something nobody ever did in my church, because all the praise was supposed to go to God, and applauding a mere human was considered irreverent. So I was the only one clapping, and I looked around and the entire congregation was scowling at me! It was such a surreal and embarrassing experience—being stoned only magnified it. I don’t think words can describe how I felt at that moment. I’ll never forget it. – C.N. (from an interview I did with Cold Dirt Press)